So finally I was there. Wearing the ill-fitting hospital gown, I felt naked and very alone. Those were the days when Kandang Kerbau did not allow husbands to be there with their wives. The labour ward was dark. It was night after all. The nurses chatted amongst themselves. Apart from the occasional, courteous, “Are you all right?” I was largely ignored. Their matter-of-factness was a stark contrast to my near panic.
From an adjacent ward, I could hear the screams of another woman.
“Doctor! Call the doctor! Aiyoh! I want my husband, brother, uncle….!”
Hardly reassuring sounds. The nurses on duty though were nonplussed. Then a wail, and silence from the new mother. For me, it was just the beginning of a very long night.
What were my dreams for my child? At that point, all I wanted was to be sure that he had ten perfect little fingers and toes! And would he hurry up and make his appearance and put me out of my misery?
Talk about grandiose aspirations.
Frankly, a parent’s desire for their children is rather straightforward. For us, my husband and I, and probably for countless others, the early hints of what we hope for come in the form of name choices.
We have named our children to be of good character and to enjoy favour and blessedness. We want our children to have the courage and self-sacrificial attitude of the biblical Jonathan, to be able to listen before acting (Samantha meaning to listen) and to have great self esteem (Sarah, meaning princess)
We want them to know their very existence is an act of grace, a gift from God (Jonathan – gracious gift of God). Their Chinese names reflect important qualities that we hope they will possess: grace, righteousness, purity, and love.
A quick check of popular names, especially Chinese ones, reveals that parents select names to embody their desire for their kids. Hence many are named in the hope they will have courage, perseverance, good fortune, integrity, health and of course for the girls, beauty.
This is a powerful, symbolic act. During my teacher training days, we were taught something called the self-fulfilling prophecy. It appears that if we keep telling our students that they are stupid and are sure to fail, then they will. We were told to always use positive words, words of encouragement and not of condemnation. It follows therefore that names, something that we hear everyday, and from many lips, should be positive and reflect who we want to be.
Sadly, this is changing. Celebrities and the common folk alike seem to think strange-sounding, newly coined words make good names. The craziest name I have heard recently is a name pronounced Apsody..like in rhapsody? Apart from having no meaning, guess how it is spelt? ….. ABCDE.
Silly names aside, the point is, no matter how the world changes, a parent’s desire for the children remains the same. We want the child to have goodly character and the wherewithal to conquer the obstacles that life predictably hurls at their faces.
A friend of mine, Simon, while in theological training, was very attracted to a fellow student, May. He prayed, and told the Almighty his very earthly desire. Lo and behold, his bible reading led him to a verse that reassured him. “I will grant you the desires of your heart.” Excitedly, he was getting ready to confess his love, only to find out that the lady had just gotten engaged.
“Sophia,” he asked. “Did I hear wrong, or was God kidding me?”
This was years after the event.
“Did you get married? Are you really happy with your wife?” I asked.
“Oh definitely! Amy is the best wife any man can ask for.”
“So why did you think that God was kidding? The desire of your heart was to find your soul-mate. You just assumed, wrongly, that May was the one.” (above story not word perfect and names have been changed)
Like Simon, many parents confuse the path with the final destination. It does not matter how the world changes. What parents want is for their children to find success and contentment in life. For many of us, we think the path to that success is through academic excellence. We want them sheltered from the evils that lurk.
But academic excellence is not for everyone, and is by no means the only route to success. Furthermore, there is no way we can protect our children from every mishap, or solve every problem that they are destined to face. They will get their share of bruises and cuts, physically as well as emotionally. What we want is for them to have the strength to overcome, and the courage to accept setbacks without succumbing to bitterness or defeat.
We need to be there for the children as they look for the best path in the maze of life, a path that will suit their abilities and their ideals. Lead them down some, but also allow them to turn back and try another. Be an advisor, not a dictator. Learn when we should be the nursemaid, and not the bodyguard. We need to help them to equip themselves for the journey.
As for what parents really want for their children? The clue is very often in the name.
