No one can quite prepare for the pronouncement.
“The biopsy shows the tumour is malignant.”
Sitting there, a million thoughts raced through my mind, or at least I assumed they did. I cannot even remember if I thought ahead and worried about a whole host of things, or I just sat there, bewildered and so traumatized my mind was a blank.
I was 42. To all intents and purposes, I should not be diagnosed with cancer. I had done all the right things – I was not on the pill, except for a few months right at the beginning of the marriage, I had children young, the youngest child was born when I was only 31, I breast fed all my children, I ate reasonably well, was mildly overweight – but that was about it. I did have a very stressful time in the year 2000. Surely that was not enough to cause this “sudden” tumour? Just in 1 year?
The “whys” and “how comes” soon gave way to thoughts of the children. My son was going to do his A levels the year after and my youngest should be preparing for her PSLE. Important exams and they certainly should not have to worry about mum on top of all that. What could I do to minimize their worries and their fears? In the midst of all that, I remember thinking it was a good thing I got married and had children young. Imagine if they were still toddlers!
After a harrowing time in the hospital, getting registered and signing forms so as to be ready for an almost immediate warding for surgery, it was time to go home to break the news to the children. That must surely be one of the most difficult things I had ever done in my life.
By the time we got back, it was almost dinner time. My husband and I forced ourselves to eat. After dinner, we sat the children down and told them the news. I was careful to mention people who had cancer and still lived to a ripe old age. Still, the silence that ensued was so uncomfortable and so unnatural. My husband was uncharacteristically quiet. The patient had to do something to alleviate the tension.
“It’s okay.” I chirped with a cheerfulness I really did not feel. “I have no intention of dying and leaving you to your father. I cannot trust him to feed you properly. He will only give you junk food, and you know I will not have that.”
Uneasy giggles and a mock protest from the husband followed. I could not bear the tension, so I said, “Now, let us go shopping.”
We went to the malls, a normal family on an evening out. It was the quietest shopping trip I had ever made, but it was better than moping at home. In any case, for the youngest one at least, it reinforced the idea that cancer was just an illness and one that could be controlled, if not totally cured. Besides we had God on our side.
Did I panic, did I cry? Of course I did. I did that when I was alone in the mornings. I prayed and complained to God. I verbalized all my fears.
It was not easy. I had to come to terms with death. I had to accept that possibility and to check my spirit if I really believed what I had been professing – that I believed in eternal life and salvation through Christ Jesus. I also had to surrender my children to the only parents I could trust them to – my God, and with His guidance, my husband. I had to convince myself that without me, their lives could still be amazing. It was immensely difficult, and there were upswings and downturns. By the grace of God, there were more ups than downs, and I found peace slowly being more dominant than fear.
With that settled, I began to fight to live. You see, I could only fight when the most negative outcome – death – had lost its sting, and when the most crippling emotion – fear, was replaced with calm.
I was not afraid of death, but I was not going to be cheated of life. I was not afraid of death, but I refused to allow my children to be deprived of a mother, if I could help it.
The fight continues today, ten years after the first pronouncement. How to fight? The most important battle is in the mind and in the emotions. I refuse to allow cancer to occupy my every thought. I refuse it to control how I feel. Sure a good medical report uplifts the spirit and a poor one can throw me into depression. I try though not to wallow in the emotions. I allow some time to work the issues out, but I have learnt not to allow negative emotions to dominate my life.
I have a life to live – and cancer is just an obstacle along the way. There are many other challenges in life, and some of these, especially when they involve the children and the husband must take precedence over needless anxieties and fears.
Many cancer survivors/patients talk about how cancer taught them to live life more fully. I have never felt that way. Cancer or not, I live life the way I would have lived life – in my own laid back manner. I do not give cancer any credit for the way I live, nor do I blame it for the not so positive aspects of my life. Yes I do have an issue with the medications I have been on – they really made me weightier! And yes it has made me more aware of healthcare and its attending costs. Nonetheless, cancer is just what it is – one of the ailments that afflict human beings, a nuisance we need to learn to live with until it can be eradicated for good.
I do feel immense sympathy for those cancer patients who suffer much pain and agony. I am by no means downplaying their suffering. But for those whose life is still fairly normal, and life can be almost perfectly normal, do not allow cancer to control you. Avoid moping. Acknowledge its annoying presence. Embrace the joys that surround you, if you will only open your eyes to see them.
And live on.
This was first published by publichouse.
So finally I was there. Wearing the ill-fitting hospital gown, I felt naked and very alone. Those were the days when Kandang Kerbau did not allow husbands to be there with their wives. The labour ward was dark. It was night after all. The nurses chatted amongst themselves. Apart from the occasional, courteous, “Are you all right?” I was largely ignored. Their matter-of-factness was a stark contrast to my near panic.
From an adjacent ward, I could hear the screams of another woman.
“Doctor! Call the doctor! Aiyoh! I want my husband, brother, uncle….!”
Hardly reassuring sounds. The nurses on duty though were nonplussed. Then a wail, and silence from the new mother. For me, it was just the beginning of a very long night.
What were my dreams for my child? At that point, all I wanted was to be sure that he had ten perfect little fingers and toes! And would he hurry up and make his appearance and put me out of my misery?
Talk about grandiose aspirations.
Frankly, a parent’s desire for their children is rather straightforward. For us, my husband and I, and probably for countless others, the early hints of what we hope for come in the form of name choices.
We have named our children to be of good character and to enjoy favour and blessedness. We want our children to have the courage and self-sacrificial attitude of the biblical Jonathan, to be able to listen before acting (Samantha meaning to listen) and to have great self esteem (Sarah, meaning princess)
We want them to know their very existence is an act of grace, a gift from God (Jonathan – gracious gift of God). Their Chinese names reflect important qualities that we hope they will possess: grace, righteousness, purity, and love.
A quick check of popular names, especially Chinese ones, reveals that parents select names to embody their desire for their kids. Hence many are named in the hope they will have courage, perseverance, good fortune, integrity, health and of course for the girls, beauty.
This is a powerful, symbolic act. During my teacher training days, we were taught something called the self-fulfilling prophecy. It appears that if we keep telling our students that they are stupid and are sure to fail, then they will. We were told to always use positive words, words of encouragement and not of condemnation. It follows therefore that names, something that we hear everyday, and from many lips, should be positive and reflect who we want to be.
Sadly, this is changing. Celebrities and the common folk alike seem to think strange-sounding, newly coined words make good names. The craziest name I have heard recently is a name pronounced Apsody..like in rhapsody? Apart from having no meaning, guess how it is spelt? ….. ABCDE.
Silly names aside, the point is, no matter how the world changes, a parent’s desire for the children remains the same. We want the child to have goodly character and the wherewithal to conquer the obstacles that life predictably hurls at their faces.
A friend of mine, Simon, while in theological training, was very attracted to a fellow student, May. He prayed, and told the Almighty his very earthly desire. Lo and behold, his bible reading led him to a verse that reassured him. “I will grant you the desires of your heart.” Excitedly, he was getting ready to confess his love, only to find out that the lady had just gotten engaged.
“Sophia,” he asked. “Did I hear wrong, or was God kidding me?”
This was years after the event.
“Did you get married? Are you really happy with your wife?” I asked.
“Oh definitely! Amy is the best wife any man can ask for.”
“So why did you think that God was kidding? The desire of your heart was to find your soul-mate. You just assumed, wrongly, that May was the one.” (above story not word perfect and names have been changed)
Like Simon, many parents confuse the path with the final destination. It does not matter how the world changes. What parents want is for their children to find success and contentment in life. For many of us, we think the path to that success is through academic excellence. We want them sheltered from the evils that lurk.
But academic excellence is not for everyone, and is by no means the only route to success. Furthermore, there is no way we can protect our children from every mishap, or solve every problem that they are destined to face. They will get their share of bruises and cuts, physically as well as emotionally. What we want is for them to have the strength to overcome, and the courage to accept setbacks without succumbing to bitterness or defeat.
We need to be there for the children as they look for the best path in the maze of life, a path that will suit their abilities and their ideals. Lead them down some, but also allow them to turn back and try another. Be an advisor, not a dictator. Learn when we should be the nursemaid, and not the bodyguard. We need to help them to equip themselves for the journey.
As for what parents really want for their children? The clue is very often in the name.
