Sopstories

In my first post, I mentioned nightmares. Well, it is true that I had recurring nightmares for years. The rejection adopted children feel can be very strong. For some, it is manifested in disruptive behaviour. For me, it went underground.

My mother was a very insecure person. She was always afraid that if I were to discover I was adopted, I would abandon her and go back to my natural parents. What she did not realize was that children are very intuitive – and I was not stupid. I realized that she was as old as my friends’ grandparents. Furthermore, adults tend to talk as if children were deaf. On more than one occasion, in my presence, her friends inquired if I was the child she adopted. I was very young then, and swiftly understood that this was a deep dark secret. Because she was so secretive, I began to think that this whole affair was a ‘pretend’ game. She pretended I was hers. To make the game real, she was therefore pretending she loved me. In turn, I had to cooperate. I had to pretend to believe I was her child. All this pretending had to find an outlet somewhere. So almost every night since as far back as I can remember, I would have nightmares. In those nightmares, my mother ceased pretending, and showed her real disdain for me. I would be crying copiously in those dreams, soaking my pillow with tears. My only defense – I excelled academically. I was also quite well-behaved, in the presence of others. I had to work for approval somehow. Sometimes, one to one with my mother, I would be quite sullen. Furthermore, I took note of all her negative traits, and vowed not to be like her. I found it very difficult to get close to anyone – I was afraid of getting hurt. I suppose in the back of my mind, I figured that if my natural mother could not love me enough to keep me, and if my adoptive mother only pretended to care, then there was no one out there who could love me.

Years passed. In my first year of university, I accepted the Lord. Miraculously, the nightmares ceased. I suppose subconsciously I became someone’s real child – I had a real Father – God, and I belonged to a family – the Church. I got married, met my natural parents sometime later, and all was well. Then in 1994, I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. For some strange reason, the nightmare recurred. My husband was shocked to see my pillows wet with tears. I spoke to fellow believers. We realized the Lord was ready to totally set me free from this rejection. We prayed and I verbalized forgiveness for all concerned. A burden totally lifted, and I was set free completely. Forgiving offences sets the victim free! Many times I hear people saying to forgive is to let the offender off easy. The truth is the offender is not going to care too much whether you forgive him or not. Sometimes the offender is not even aware of your angst. But forgiveness sets the offended free from emotional baggage. It is difficult to let go of all the hurt – but God is good – and He will give us the grace we need. All we need to do is to tell Him we are willing – and He will help us through.

To those of you reading, especially those who have been adopted, your story and experience may be different from mine. But the Lord is the same. If He can set me free, He can set you free too.

One of my favourite songs that reflected this part of my life – Come to the Water – for those tears I died. Do not get theological on me – I know Jesus died for my sins, not my tears. But the understanding I get from this line is that Jesus understood that we will go through sorrows – but if we come to Him, we will have the hope of eternity.