Filed under: Pretend or Real, Uncategorized | Tags: adopted, adoption, come to the water, donnie summer, for those tears i died, forgive, forgiveness, rejection, set free
In my first post, I mentioned nightmares. Well, it is true that I had recurring nightmares for years. The rejection adopted children feel can be very strong. For some, it is manifested in disruptive behaviour. For me, it went underground.
My mother was a very insecure person. She was always afraid that if I were to discover I was adopted, I would abandon her and go back to my natural parents. What she did not realize was that children are very intuitive – and I was not stupid. I realized that she was as old as my friends’ grandparents. Furthermore, adults tend to talk as if children were deaf. On more than one occasion, in my presence, her friends inquired if I was the child she adopted. I was very young then, and swiftly understood that this was a deep dark secret. Because she was so secretive, I began to think that this whole affair was a ‘pretend’ game. She pretended I was hers. To make the game real, she was therefore pretending she loved me. In turn, I had to cooperate. I had to pretend to believe I was her child. All this pretending had to find an outlet somewhere. So almost every night since as far back as I can remember, I would have nightmares. In those nightmares, my mother ceased pretending, and showed her real disdain for me. I would be crying copiously in those dreams, soaking my pillow with tears. My only defense – I excelled academically. I was also quite well-behaved, in the presence of others. I had to work for approval somehow. Sometimes, one to one with my mother, I would be quite sullen. Furthermore, I took note of all her negative traits, and vowed not to be like her. I found it very difficult to get close to anyone – I was afraid of getting hurt. I suppose in the back of my mind, I figured that if my natural mother could not love me enough to keep me, and if my adoptive mother only pretended to care, then there was no one out there who could love me.
Years passed. In my first year of university, I accepted the Lord. Miraculously, the nightmares ceased. I suppose subconsciously I became someone’s real child – I had a real Father – God, and I belonged to a family – the Church. I got married, met my natural parents sometime later, and all was well. Then in 1994, I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. For some strange reason, the nightmare recurred. My husband was shocked to see my pillows wet with tears. I spoke to fellow believers. We realized the Lord was ready to totally set me free from this rejection. We prayed and I verbalized forgiveness for all concerned. A burden totally lifted, and I was set free completely. Forgiving offences sets the victim free! Many times I hear people saying to forgive is to let the offender off easy. The truth is the offender is not going to care too much whether you forgive him or not. Sometimes the offender is not even aware of your angst. But forgiveness sets the offended free from emotional baggage. It is difficult to let go of all the hurt – but God is good – and He will give us the grace we need. All we need to do is to tell Him we are willing – and He will help us through.
To those of you reading, especially those who have been adopted, your story and experience may be different from mine. But the Lord is the same. If He can set me free, He can set you free too.
One of my favourite songs that reflected this part of my life – Come to the Water – for those tears I died. Do not get theological on me – I know Jesus died for my sins, not my tears. But the understanding I get from this line is that Jesus understood that we will go through sorrows – but if we come to Him, we will have the hope of eternity.
Everybody has a story to tell. Every life is interesting and different. I entitled this blog sopstories just to have a play at the phrase sob stories. Also, since my name is Sophia, I suppose the name is apt – for after all, they will be my stories.
I suppose every story should have a good beginning, and there is no better place to start than while I was in my mother’s womb. There is a reason that the following are my favourite verses:
Ps 139: 15, 16
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
When I was yet in my mother’s womb, a man went to his friends. He asked them for the child that the woman was bearing. The woman already had 8 other children, and in all likelihood, would have some more. They were not rich, but they loved their kids. The woman took pity on the man, for he married his wife out of convenience, and they did not have a good relationship. Furthermore, they were advanced in age, and it was unlikely that they could have natural children. With some reluctance, she agreed, only if the child was a female child – yes – the Chinese still favour boys over girls. So that was how the deal was transacted.
Many people would tell me later that I should be grateful. Without my adoptive parents, how would I be able to receive such excellent education, or to have a much better lot in life than my natural siblings? Yet, this rejection gave me nightmares for years. Perhaps I will detail that story at a later point. Nonetheless, for the well-meaning who wish to counsel those who have been adopted, understand that the argument implies that material comfort is enough to compensate the love of one’s parents. That assumption is false. While I forgive my natural parents, and I have moved on, by the grace of God, there is a real consequence to this rejection. I am grateful to my adoptive parents who loved me dearly. I am grateful to the extended family of my adoptive family who loved me as their own – well almost! But it is not their love which can set me free. It is in the knowing whose plan it was all along, the understanding that God was involved in that transaction. That He was intimately involved in my story, my life – and His plan started even before I was born.
